2023 sucked. A big fat one. In a lot of ways. My profession of 18 years, one where I never worried about making a living at- was circling the drain, and continued it's decline all last year. If you know anyone in the mortgage profession, they had to be a pretty big player to not feel the huge strain on the housing market as rates continued to rise, and rise. I had days the phone didn't ring at all. When it did, I had way too many conversations with people that ended in discouragement. For them AND me. In 2020 and 2021 I was commiserating with qualified people who kept losing the bid to buy a home. In 2022 and 23 I'm commiserating with people who now can't afford to buy. With my job and my podcast I'm talking about the state of the economy and what it's done to the normal guy, the middle class, the people out there like you and me ALL THE TIME. And it's hard. And depressing. And I'm living it myself, watching my pipeline dwindle and my paychecks dwindle til I'm barely getting by.
It's been hard ya'll. I've had money and I've not had money and I'd rather have money. It has sucked. Then throw in some major health issues. Issues that you have to deal with every minute of every day, what am I eating, what am I breathing, what am I touching, what's in it, is it going to make me sick. And I'm someone that suffers from depression and anxiety anyway. Ya'll, I've been a mess.
My husband. This site, designing things, being creative. These things have kept me above water. But the attitude I have had. Ya'll, I've been killing myself with stress. The kind of stress that affects every part of your life. And I've been down about it. Pissed about it. Depressed about it. Life has seemed hard. Really hard. And I laid in it for a few months. Until finally I started listening to myself and thinking, wow, what has happened to you? I dont like who you are. Something has to change.
The beginning of a new year causes all of us to think on things. Leading up to it I have had these things on my mind, and how I couldn't continue the same path any longer. Don't we all love change?? lol Knowing you need to change, and trying to figure out how to do it. And DOING it. Actually taking steps, not just dreaming about it. Not accepting where you're at if it's not where you want to be. I've never wanted to be the person that settled. I've never wanted to be a sheep. I've always wanted to feel like I was living the life I wanted, the one I chose.
Yeah I've known it for a while, there was a change a coming. And coming whether I wanted it or not lol, so might as well get on board. Just been trying to figure out what I want my new life to look like. And ya'll, please know, I am SO FREAKING LUCKY that I have a man next to me who is on the same page I am. Let me acknowledge right now that I already know that I am luckier than most with what I have with Chuck. I've not one time felt alone through all this, or unsupported, and that is SO MUCH. And loving him and being loved by him has made me realize more than ever that how we're living every day matters. I want to be happy in every part of my life. And I FUCKING DESERVE IT. And ya'll, me saying that is something I never thought I would feel, and it feels so freaking good to feel it.
So what does happiness look like for me? Not like your happiness. Not like anyone else's happiness. It's the basics. Laughter. Security. Real love. Feeling productive and needed. Creative. Being a part of something. Feeling content. Simple things, really. I've learned I don't need a lot. Have your income cut into a 1/3 and your needs get a lot simpler lol.
I'll tell you what happiness is not. Feeling like no matter how hard you're doing what you're doing, it's not enough. Feeling negative all the time. Feeling like giving up. Feeling unappreciated and not seen. Failure. God, we are so so hard on ourselves. Even when we know we're doing it, it's a hard habit to break. We need to be our own best cheerleaders, not critics. But it's always been the critic with me. And that's what I want to change, with me and hopefully with this web site.
Chuck and I have been talking non-stop the last few weeks about what happiness looks like to us, and we're making some decisions that are probably going to surprise some people in the new few months lol, but we're just trying to figure out what our happy place looks like.
What does your happy place look like? Paint the picture, and take the first step.
It can all be so hard even on the best day, even in the best economy. I get it. Losing my job of 22 years with not even the slightest sign it was coming did a number on my head, heart, and bank account for sure. It was easy to panic, to give in to the anxiety, to cry for days on end. And even now that the tables turned for me and I have a great new job, I know any day it might not be there anymore, after layoffs last month took out half of the company and half of tech in general. So who knows what's to come--and that's the way it is for all of us…