One of those days

do you ever have those days where you just don't like.... well.... anything? Yes, anything. And everyone. Everything pretty much sucks. I'm searching for the silver lining folks.

Life just seems freaking hard right now. Not that it's ever easy, but don't you sometimes just say out loud, are you freaking kidding me with this?? Like, if just one more bad thing happens you're going to absolutely lose it, and then damned if that something happens, and you absolutely feel like you're hanging by a string. I actually screamed the other day. It made me feel better for a minute lol.

I've always had this inner voice in me telling myself to keep on keeping on, screw the world, I'll show them all. Fortitude? Hard headed-ness? Complete bitchiness? Whatever it is, I've always had it, and it's what keeps me different, what keeps me moving forward even when I feel like giving up. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses, and this is one of my strengths. But sometimes you just get tired. And today I'm tired.

I have COVID again. So I feel like crap with a constant 24/7 low grade migraine with this one. On top of that I've had 3 Alpha Gal attacks in the last 2 weeks, which is absolutely draining, physically and emotionally both. Freaking cheese. Then I slept about 2 hours last night which always makes my anxiety levels trip anyway. I'm worried about work- people aren't exactly lined out the door to get mortgages right now and something that i've always been good at is giving me no sense of fulfillment right now in any way shape or form. I can't say I'm telling any of you anything new because I think we all deal with it at some time or another- but worrying about paying your bills is one of the most debilitating worry in the world. And when you're working hard and getting nowhere it is freaking depressing!

The other day a horrible thought hit me- can only one thing in my life go well at a time? Ever since I found my Chuck, my health has declined. I have love in my life, but nothing else seems to go right. AAAGH, what a debilitating thought, a thought from my past, from the days when I didn't feel like I deserved happiness. Those kind of thoughts can paralyze. Those are the thoughts where I don't expect success. I don't expect things to go my way. I am always waiting on the other shoe, the next bad thing that's going to hit. I lived my life this way for a long time. Just thinking about it makes me ill. I refuse to go back there.

Have you ever read The Secret? I don't know how deep I'd go with all the manifesting but is there truth to the concept? Hell yeah, absolutely yes. These kind of thoughts just send you down a dark hole. I've been in the hole. I'm not going back. Things die in the hole. Relationships die. Friendships die. Opportunities die. You can't water things in the hole. Fuck the hole.

So... this is what I do. Nothing mind blowing or life changing necessarily, but its some good common sense. I start looking for the good. I change my focus. I am looking for the good and putting myself in a better frame of mind. THEN I can put my focus where i need to and invite some good change into my life.

Writing always helps me. I downloaded an app last week- Three Good Things. All I do is write down 3 things every night that happened that day that are GOOD. The first couple days I struggled but it is getting easier (even though today is a bad day). Looking for the good. Looking for the positive. Opening myself to change and opportunity. Not being blinded by the negative. Changing my focus. The negative eats you up man. It takes control and eats you alive. Not doing it. NOT.

POSITIVE THOUGHTS ONLY. Can i get a hell yeah? :) Hang in there all, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!